Thomas Tuchel’s maiden England squad was always going to divide opinion, just as the Football Association’s decision to appoint him as Gareth Southgate’s successor did in October. However, while the German may boast that winning edge to finally get this talented generation over the line at a major tournament, England won’t be reaching any finals with the 26 players he has selected.

In his defence, Tuchel will just be dipping his toes in the water, and he will face sterner tests than World Cup qualifying openers against Albania and Latvia. We also can’t ignore the injury situation he has inherited, which, if it were different, would mean a much-changed squad. England stalwarts like Harry Maguire, John Stones, Trent Alexander-Arnold, Luke Shaw, Bukayo Saka and Ollie Watkins are unavailable.

There are other less experienced but certain inclusions, such as Newcastle United left-back Lewis Hall, who will earn their latest caps sooner rather than later.

But if Tuchel’s first squad is a sign of the future, I’d rather enjoy the good vibes and inevitable last-ditch failure of Southgate’s reign than what’s to come.

Let’s start with the goalkeeper situation. Four stoppers, Thomas? Four? That’s insane! And don’t come at me with that “he’s just taking a look at them” tripe.

He’s had five whole months to do that. Jordan Pickford, Dean Henderson and James Trafford clearly make up England’s best goalkeeper contingency. Why disrupt it?

Then again, Tuchel has partly been working remotely in Germany since his appointment. Judging by his other picks, you’d be forgiven to think he was doing anything but watching England players.

Kyle Walker… remember him? He’s the right-back who turns 35 in May and escaped to Milan at the start of the year because he couldn’t hack the Premier League anymore.

Djed Spence’s blistering form for Tottenham Hotspur makes it hard to believe he’ll be watching the former Manchester City man from home.

Many have a gripe with this squad because it’s not looking towards the future. In fact, it’s not even looking towards next summer’s showcase in the United States, Canada and Mexico.

The inclusion of Jarrell Quansah doesn’t warrant criticism in that sense. But over Everton’s Jarrad Branthwaite? Tuchel has walked to the wrong side of Stanley Park with that one.

In attack, Dominic Solanke‘s in the mix. He’s scored as many own goals as goals in his last nine appearances for Spurs (one). Watkins injury aside, is that really what we’re rewarding these days?

Liam Delap has plundered 10 Premier League goals for Ipswich Town this season, three more than Solanke has for a team 17 points higher in the table. The former is the more deserving Harry Kane understudy.

But the headline-stealer is, without a doubt, Jordan Henderson’s return. A decision so bold it would’ve even raised eyebrows in the former Liverpool captain’s camp. It honestly warrants a piece of writing in itself.

He joins Walker in turning 35 later this year, hasn’t played for England since November 2023 and has started just two of Ajax’s last nine games.

Henderson’s international career should’ve ended at 81 caps when he exhumed hypocrisy and left Liverpool to join close pal Steven Gerrard in Saudi Arabia.

He escaped to Ajax months later but has no right to be based at St. George’s Park this month while players like Morgan Gibbs-White and Elliot Anderson’s heroics for Nottingham Forest go unnoticed.

Tuchel reportedly spoke to more than 55 English players individually on the phone as he selected his first squad. FA chief Mark Bullingham claimed he had been “building connections”.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall when top-level Premier League midfielders learned who they were deemed inferior to by their country’s new boss.

And Conor Gallagher! No, you weren’t imagining it when you saw him light up the pitch in the Champions League this season. He worked with Tuchel at Chelsea and appeared to be a shoo-in. Clearly not.

Build connections by utilising players who will wear the Three Lions in 2026, 2028 and 2030 rather than has-beens who offer “experience” and not much else.

“Fundamentally, we wanted to hire a coaching team to give us the best possible chance of winning a major tournament, and we believe they will do just that,” said FA chief Mark Bullingham upon Tuchel’s arrival.

There’s more chance of this unfit, ‘Most Improved’-winning, Monster Energy-fuelled writer playing on the Wembley turf than England winning the 2026 World Cup with this group of players.