What was your favourite moment of the Battle of the Sexes? Mine was when a man named Graham awkwardly shuffled onto the court with a microphone in one hand and some signed tennis balls in the other shouting, somewhat desperately, “Who wants a signed ball?” before awkwardly lobbing balls into the stands when he surely could have made life easier by using a racket instead – either way, it was the loudest cheer of the whole event and a perfect metaphor for this mess. 

Who can blame the fans for wanting a signed tennis ball signed by Aryna Sabalenka or Nick Kyrgios? Any spectator at this glitzy, glamorous, but sorry excuse of a tennis event would want a physical piece of evidence they survived. “Gaze at my tennis ball from the Coca Cola Arena in Dubai! Look at it! Don’t talk to me about your suffering again!” It must be noted, neither Kyrgios and Sabalenka can be blamed for their contributions. They mustered some excellent tennis between them and the Aussie winning in straight sets was fair enough. But the event was a farce from start to finish. 

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Take a deep dive into the mind-numbing thought process behind this fixture. “Here we have Sabalenka. She is the world No. 1 women’s tennis player, who practices with world class male players every week, possesses an unusual level of power and topspin for a women’s player, has a huge serve and is a baseline dominater, capable of combining blistering power with mathematically tight angles. Let’s give them both one serve each and make her side of the court smaller because somewhere it is claimed men are nine per cent faster than women.” 

Sabalenka’s half of the court was as jarring as it was comical. For those lucky enough not to tune in, take a Mars Bar from your stocking, now take a Twix, snap them in half, stick them together, gift them to a family member and see how they react. 

Tennis fans are a tricky group to please. Many opine for the days wooden racket-wielding gentleman and ladies glided across the court as pristine umpires serenaded the scores with a dialect straight from Buckingham Palace. Now the tennis world is desperate to attract new fans whose head has been turned by the sport’s trendy and hip step-siblings pickleball and padel.

Their perceived step into the future was to breathe life into an idea from the past which has already been done three times. This was less Billie Jean King vs Bobbie Riggs and more Anthony Joshua vs Jake Paul. There was loud music, Ronaldo, Kaka and Peter Crouch in the stands, golden confetti and a gleaming trench coat worn by Sabalenka. 

It felt like a dystopian glimpse into a future where influencers have taken the ‘Baller League’ to tennis, where courts are triangulated, rackets are swapped for frying pans at the sight of a ‘Wildcard’ and the next annoying YouTuber with 200million followers is serving 75mph serves to an 86-year-old John McEnroe. 

The positives? Sabalenka was not completely turned over by Kyrgios. At times, she left the Australian rooted to the spot after smashing forehands and backhands past him at speed. 

Then again, he has played six tour matches since 2022 and as a result of his inactivity, has dropped down to the 600s in the world rankings. She may have hit many other jaw-dropping points, but we do not know as the BBC’s live feed was buffering, pixellating and freezing.  

The commentators apologised profusely, but the apology for this depressing contest should have come from the organisers, way before the final point was scored. The best way to serve justice will be to confine this idea to the past, where it belongs and not do it again.